By Bill Matthews
With just a few more pounds, she’ll be ready for harvesting.
(BROOKLYN) An exhaustive, yearlong investigation by The Peoples News has revealed a deadly scheme to fatten up African Americans so that in a time of hardship, whites could use them as a food source.
The nefarious plot was discovered after TPN sifted through thousands of pages of confidential data from the Food and Drug Administration, the Department of Health and Human Services, and Kentucky Fried Chicken. It explains why 75 percent of African Americans are overweight, and more than 50 percent of black women are obese.
“Merely being overweight is not enough to provide a decent meal for the average white family,” read an HHS memo from July 12, 1982. Blacks, went the memo, must be “housed in neighborhoods where calorie-laden, unhealthy foods and Kool-Aid” are the only items available so they can reach “historic proportions that are large enough to sustain white people in a time of hunger.”
The plot stemmed from a government forecast in the 1970s that the growing U.S. population would eventually reach a point where it wouldn’t be sustainable. Shortly after President Ronald Reagan entered office in 1981, he authorized a task force to research ways to both feed its growing population and cut down on the number of minorities. They soon launched a program, “Blacks: The New White Meat,” to achieve both goals.
Thousands of black men were herded into prison under the pretense of new drug laws. In reality, the government wanted to restrict their movement in much the same way the beef industry limits the movement of cattle. The tactic had a major flaw, however: Instead of getting fat, the incarcerated blacks developed tremendous muscles lifting weights.
Their meat “became too stringy and developed an unpleasant taste that even copious amounts of hot sauce couldn’t mask,” according to an FDA report from October 3, 1991.
Task force leaders figured that much like chicken, ‘free range’ blacks would taste better. So they turned their focus to fattening up those living in African American neighborhoods.
Corner stores stopped stocking fresh vegetables or anything but whole milk. Gunslingers made streets so unsafe that kids were kept inside rather than being allowed to run free. The introduction of XXXL jerseys made blacks think they should fit into them.
Within a few years, blacks neighborhoods were filled with waddling residents for whom the simple act of moving proved uncomfortable.
“Black people got so fat they could eat the Internet,” said comedian Dave Chappelle beginning a series of insults that included blacks being so fat they bled gravy, had more Chins than Chinatown and had shadows that weighed 42 pounds.
None of those who instituted the plan would comment. But fitness experts found the government scheme disturbing.
“A government plot to make us fat? It all makes sense now,” said African American exercise guru Billy Blanks, whose Tae-Bo exercise videos became a phenomenon in the ’90s.
“I mean, for years, I thought the obesity epidemic among my people was because they wouldn’t take personal responsibility for their unhealthy habits, exercise more or curb their eating. But that doesn’t have anything to do with it, I guess. Does it?”
Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. The level of obesity among African Americans, however, is sadly true—and dangerous. Thinking about what we’ve said is fine, but we’d rather you get some exercise and lay off the fried foods!
© 2008 The Peoples News
Filed under: African American, Diet, Health, Humor, Satire
“Blacks: The New White Meat”.
I lol’d.
OMG
They found out.
Ok two problems:
1) PETP = People for the Ethical Treatment of People – do not condone cannibalism.
2) UCAA = United Cannibals Association of America – claim that Asians taste better and are part of a healthier diet.
This is a joke right????
The Peoples News responds: Or is that simply what the purveyors of this vile plot want you to think? Hmm.
This is true. Congresswoman Maxine Waters saw this article and said it confirms suspicions she’s had for a long time, noting Oprah’s recurring weight problems as further proof. Waters is holding a press conference tomorrow, right after lunch.
One would think that Oprah and Waters would be too old to be of any nutritious value.
furthermore, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are full of crap, which white people would not find edible.
This explains why black women can be “big” and still look good
Oh dang this funny!
LOL absolutely hilarious! Did you get the idea from “A Modest Proposal??”
Yes, Asians are healthier, but than you’re hungry an hour later.
That was bad, wasn’t it.