Cleveland Indians To Adopt Even More Offensive Mascot
By Bill Matthews Sloshy (left) will replace lovable Chief Wahoo (CLEVELAND) There will be a big change for the Cleveland Indians next year. No, the team isn’t planning on actually winning the World Series (something it hasn’t done since 1948). The squad will have a new mascot. Instead of Chief Wahoo, a cartoon depiction of … Read more
TPN‘s Trifling Sadists of the Week
Ruby’s Killers Some things are just awful, and this is one of them. It was bad enough that burglars broke into Kimberly Ross’ home in Roseville, Mich. But they couldn’t be content merely robbing her. In an unthinkable act, these heartless sadists put Ross’ 7-month-old kitten, Ruby, into the washing machine, turned it on, and … Read more
NASA Joins Search For Kanye West’s Mind
By Bill Matthews Kanye asked Taylor Swift if she had seen his mind anywhere (NEW YORK) Three years after it was first reported missing, the mind of Kanye West is the subject of an ever-increasing brainhunt. This morning, NASA pledged use of the Hubble Telescope to see if it could locate the gray matter. “If … Read more
Congress Approves “No Snitching” Law
By Bill Matthews Police show T-Shirts many Representatives wore before the historic vote (WASHINGTON D.C.) Fresh from their summer break, Congress took up its most pressing issue, the matter of lawmakers being busted for sexual infidelities. As a result, both houses unanimously passed the No Snitching Act, which makes it illegal for anyone to rat … Read more
TPN‘s Trifling Team of the Week
The Washington Redskins How trifling can this organization be? The team is suing fans—longtime, loyal fans—who want to get out of their season ticket commitments after losing their jobs. While sure, our society has often made it seem like tickets on the 50 yard line supersede little things like food and rent, it’s not actually … Read more
Two Years Before Usain Bolt is Found to be Doping, He Sure is Fun to Watch
By Bill Matthews Soon he’ll be a disgrace, but for now, Usain Bolt is amazing! (MADRID) In a couple years, we’ll find out he’s been doping. But in the meantime, Usain Bolt gives us all something we can temporarily believe in. “I’m really enjoying being a role model for kids, showing them what you can … Read more
