Shocker: DNA Test Proves Mrs. Butterworth Isn’t Black
By Bill Matthews Without brown syrup, Mrs. Butterworth’s ethnicity becomes clear. (AKRON, OHIO) Henry Louis Gates’ latest program on ancestry reveals the stunning fact that syrup icon Joy Butterworth is, in fact, not black. Butterworth is white, but has spent the last 45 years passing. “In actuality, it was the syrup that made her look … Read more
TPN‘s Trifling Baby Daddy of the Week
Beyoncé’s Dad Mathew Knowles, you had it all: a long-lasting marriage, a great education, two beautiful daughters, an easy street retirement. You were someone everyone could look up to. Instead, you’ve become part of the problem. Because of you, yet another black child will be born out of wedlock. Because of you, yet another black … Read more
Haiti Annoyed By ‘We Are the World’ Remake
By Bill Matthews No, really. Please make them stop singing, Haiti asks (PORT AU PRINCE) The screaming started low but within seconds reached a crescendo. Haitians spilled into the streets, holding their ears in agony, some weeping in despair. “Make it stop! Make it stop,” shouted Fabienne St. Pierre, who lost her home in the … Read more
TPN‘s Trifling Musician of the Week
John Mayer Never. I repeat: Never. That’s the answer for those of you out there asking ‘When is it okay for someone who isn’t black to use the N word?’ Next topic: Fine for a single person to sleep around. Not fine: Discussing it in a national magazine in such crude terms. Telling your boys? … Read more
Saints’ Win Cures All of New Orleans’ Ills!
By Bill Matthews New Orleans streets are now paved with gold (NEW ORLEANS) Two days after the New Orleans Saints won Super Bowl XLIV, all of the city’s crime, poverty and rundown housing has been swept away. Residents of the Big Easy are calling the transformation into Shangri-La nearly as miraculous as cornerback Tracy Porter’s … Read more
TPN‘s Trifling Company of the Week
Toyota Remember the good ol’ days when only American cars sucked? You could count on a Toyota for reliability, for dependability, for the car to actually stop moving forward when you take your foot off the gas. Times change. Now they’re recalling thousands upon thousands of cars because the gas pedals stick–a slight problem when … Read more
