By Bill Matthews

New Orleans streets are now paved with gold

(NEW ORLEANS) Two days after the New Orleans Saints won Super Bowl XLIV, all of the city’s crime, poverty and rundown housing has been swept away.

Residents of the Big Easy are calling the transformation into Shangri-La nearly as miraculous as cornerback Tracy Porter’s interception that sealed the 31-17 victory over the Indianapolis Colts.

“The Saints kept saying over and over that the win would really help the city and lo and behold when I woke up this morning, I suddenly had a Harvard education and $60,000 in the bank,” Joshua St. Pierre, a miscreant who once traded his children for drug money, told The Peoples News. “It’s really a great day for New Orleans.”

The city has long been a leader in rapes, murders, theft and illiteracy. But in the last 48 hours everyone who had been murdered this year was restored to life and the murderers themselves were filled with self-esteem and a can-do attitude. The city’s literacy rate jumped to 125 percent and all racial strife had ended. In fact, Hurricane Katrina retroactively missed the city entirely and all the displaced people suddenly reappeared with steady jobs that pay them three times the highest rate they’ve ever earned.

For the prior two weeks, everyone talked about the restorative power of sports and how a Saints win would give a boost to a city that was already on hard times before Katrina ravaged it. But few expected the results so quickly.

“I thought it wouldn’t be until next week or maybe the week after that my cancer was cured, but look, it’s gone,” said Elizabeth Meriweather, showing off the space where her brain tumor had been. “And look, the streets are actually lined with gold and diamonds.”

Even the most ardent fans tried to retain a bit of skepticism. After all, many a town got its hopes up over a much beloved underdogonly to see them dashed when the team goes down in flames. For instance, it took New York City far longer to recover from September 11 than it would have, had the Arizona Cardinals not knocked off the Yankees in that year’s World Series.

Last year, Detroit was abuzz over the Michigan State Spartans run for the NCAA title, the Red Wings’ run for the Stanley Cup, and the Tigers’ bid for post-season play. None of those teams came through and the city still suffers.

But in New Orleans, where you can now drink all night and not get drunk, people can breath easy.

“How else can you sweep away all of humanity’s ills except through competition on the field,” said Saints coach Sean Payton. “As long as your team wins, of course. Indianapolis still sucks.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.

© 2010 The Peoples News

By Bill Matthews

Montag’s husband will have to pay for her future surgeries.

(LOS ANGELES) A federal judge has ruled that white women can no longer be responsible for money and must turn any earnings over to a sensible man.

The ruling by Judge Ryan Cabrera came in the wake of pseudo celebrity Heidi Montag’s decision to spend $30,000 on plastic surgery that no intelligent person would receive. The 23-year-old wannabe pop star wasn’t the target of the ruling but her multiple surgeries–included neck liposuction, chin reduction, buttock augmentation, and having her ears pinned back–left Cabrera aghast.

“Every time I turn around, some white woman is spending her money on something stupid, whether it’s liposuction or Botox or baby No. 18. I’m fed up,” Cabrera said.

He said that white women should instead not get fat, not lay in the sun for hours when they’re young, and use birth control, “even in Utah.” Taking away control of their money “might lead them to better habits,” he said.

A few white women were upset with the verdict, but many understood the reasoning.

“Heidi Montag is an idiot. She surely shouldn’t be in control of money and if this ruling is what it takes to prevent more stupid spending by my people, then I guess I’m all for it,” said Julie Avant, a white woman in Boise, Idaho.

Liam Anderson, a white man who is married to a white woman, filed the lawsuit. He did it shortly after his wife bought a pair of shoes that “weren’t good for walking in,” according to court records.

“Shoes go on your feet. You use your feet to walk. So you should only buy shoes that you can walk in,” said Anderson, still annoyed with his wife’s decision despite winning the trial. “My wife has a closet full of shoes that aren’t good for walking in. When she went out and bought yet another pair, I had to take action.”

His wife, Jessica, defended her actions.

“Those shoes were really cute, and I looked cute in them,” she said.

Cabrera, though, was unmoved. Starting next Wednesday, white women will have to close out all their private bank accounts and future paychecks must be signed over to a person of their choosing, either a woman who is not white or a man.

“Honesty, it’s for the best,” said Cabrera. “I think we can all agree to that.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.

© 2010 The Peoples News