TPN’s Trifling Liar of the Week

burlington_coatLinda Brown

Sometimes, of course, we feature people in this section who are evil. Linda isn’t evil—in fact, she’s mentally ill. So while I won’t post her picture (largely because I can’t find a clear one), I can’t let her trifling behavior slide.

Linda showed up at a Burlington Coat Factory in Columbus, Ohio, and announced she’d won the Lottery, and would pay for everyone’s merchandise up to $500. People filled up shopping carts and even called relatives telling them to come down and get free stuff. But wait…it was all a ruse. Linda hadn’t won anything, and skedaddled, which pissed off some of the greedy/needy shoppers. Linda, to paraphrase Bill Engvall: Here’s your trifling sign. (And I have a bunch more for those brain surgeons who looted the store during the melee.)

—Xavier Muhammad

© 2009 The Peoples News

Nobel Prize Jokes Near All-Time High

By Bill Matthews

nielsSomething about Nobel winner Niels Jerne just said comedy

(OSLO, NORWAY) Punchlines involving the Nobel Prize have soared in the days since President Obama won the Peace designation, but officials say it hasn’t come close to the furor of 1984.

“When Niels Jerne won the award for Physiology or Medicine, that was comedy gold,” said Nobel chairman Thorbjoern Jagland. “I mean, Johnny Carson led off the Tonight Show with Jerne for months.”

Since Obama won, punchlines involving the Nobel Prize are up 72 percent from this time last year. Experts say the jokes are the first sure sign that the economy is recovering.

“If we can find enough levity to joke about an American president winning the Nobel Prize, then things are certainly looking up,” said Alan Greenspan.

The guffaws are reminiscent of 1984, when the country was also emerging from a recession.

Jerne, as everyone remembers, was a Brit who worked at the Danish State Serum Institute before becoming a research fellow at the California Institute of Technology. His Nobel selection for theories concerning the specificity in development and control of the immune system and the discovery of the principle for production of monoclonal antibodies was on everyone’s lips.

“You couldn’t take a step without hearing a Jerne joke. People were saying his name and confusing it with ‘germ,’ which almost sounds the same and that’s what made it so funny,” Rodney Dangerfield wrote in his autobiography.

“And then people were coming up with other things he won, like beating out the Tigers for the World Series or getting a Latin Grammy. Jokes like that never got old.”

And, of course, Lionel Richie brought down the house at the 1985 Grammy Awards, when, after winning album of the year, he said he thought they had called Niels Jerne’s name. Entertainment Weekly voted that No.3 on the all-time best moments in live television, just ahead of John F. Kennedy Jr. saluting his father’s casket.

The charismatic Jerne, who was 72 when he won, turned his victory into gold, scoring sponsorships with Nike, Coke and the Monoclonal Society of America. He starred on the ABC sitcom Where’s the Research Scientist? with Clara Peller, a sassy old-timer who also hit the comedy jackpot with her delivery of the “Where’s the Beef?” line.

The show introduced a young Jamie Foxx as Too Sweet, an orphan with a heart of gold, and lasted four seasons.

“It was a simpler time, before irony took over America, when Nobel prize winners were the butt of jokes all the time, no matter how significant or insignificant their accomplishment,” said Rob Bates, a comedy writer whose 1986 classic movie Dammit I’m Dead was inspired by the fallout from Jerne’s victory. “The jokes about Obama’s victory really make us all feel young again.”

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News.

© 2009 The Peoples News

TPN’s Trifling People of the Week

Roman-Polanski2Those who say Roman Polanski should go free

Whoopi, are you serious? Woody Allen…well, you I’d expect this from. But what part of raping a 13-year-old would imply that Polanski should be set free? Was it the part about him drugging the little girl he lusted after, Samantha Geimer? Plying her with alcohol? Forcing himself on her even after she begged him to stop? His cowardly flight from justice? The 32 years he’s lived in Europe?

Any argument that Polanski is being persecuted or should be freed is baloney. As the saying goes, You do the crime, you do the time.

–Xavier Muhammad

© 2009 The Peoples News

Cleveland Indians To Adopt Even More Offensive Mascot

By Bill Matthews

Chief SloshySloshy (left) will replace lovable Chief Wahoo

(CLEVELAND) There will be a big change for the Cleveland Indians next year.

No, the team isn’t planning on actually winning the World Series (something it hasn’t done since 1948). The squad will have a new mascot.  Instead of Chief Wahoo, a cartoon depiction of a Native American, the team plans to adopt a mascot that’s even more offensive.

Meet Sloshy the Drunk Mohican.

“We felt that Chief Wahoo just didn’t go far enough in offenind people while at the same time being representative of what the Cleveland Indians are all about,” said team president Todd Marinovich. “We also are extremely optimistic about Sloshy’s marketing potential.”

Native Americans, who have long protested Chief Wahoo as a negative caricature, are at a loss for words.

“We didn’t think they could actually go any further,” said activist Victor Belle.

Many athletic teams have dropped Native American names and logos in recent years. But the Indians feel that is just politically correct posturing.

“We’ve been the Indians for as long as anyone can remember,” Marinovich said. “We shouldn’t break our traditions of having a cartoon Indian as our mascot. “

Marinovich pointed to Notre Dame’s Fighting Irish leprechaun as a proud  example of a grotesquely cartoonish mascots.

“You don’t hear leprechauns complaining about the depiction,” he said. “People need to take a joke, like the Cleveland Indians have always been.”

© 2009 The Peoples News

TPN’s Trifling Sadists of the Week

kittycat

Ruby’s Killers

Some things are just awful, and this is one of them. It was bad enough that burglars broke into Kimberly Ross’ home in Roseville, Mich. But they couldn’t be content merely robbing her. In an unthinkable act, these heartless sadists put Ross’ 7-month-old kitten, Ruby, into the washing machine, turned it on, and left her to die. Did the act make them feel powerful? Did they deny other creature’s right to live?  Such a senseless, horrible action. Simply awful, simply evil. I hope and pray the police find the people who did this.

–Xavier Muhammad

© 2009 The Peoples News

NASA Joins Search For Kanye West’s Mind

By Bill Matthews

kanyetaylorKanye asked Taylor Swift if she had seen his mind anywhere

(NEW YORK) Three years after it was first reported missing, the mind of Kanye West is the subject of an ever-increasing brainhunt.

This morning, NASA pledged use of the Hubble Telescope to see if it could locate the gray matter.

“If Kanye is allowed to remain mindless much longer, it could be detrimental to the entire world,” said NASA spokesman Greg Stapleton. “Trust me, his has to get his mind back, or we will all be in great danger.”

Stapleton said NASA became involved when it was discovered that the world does, in fact, revolves around West. While West has preached that for many years, many assumed it was just more of his mindless ramblings.

Yet without a mind to guide him, West’s behavior just grows more irrational, and now threatens to throw the Earth off its orbit and eventually plunge the planet into the sun.

West said he misplaced his mind in 2006. He wanted to change it because it was dirty but instead, lost it.

His latest act of mindless behavior occurred Sunday night. After Taylor Swift won Best Video Female at the Video Music Awards, West, wearing a Glad trash bag he cut into a vest, ran onstage. He began talking but, as usual, without a mind, his words came out as gibberish.

“I wanted to bring attention to my haircut, which I did using a swirly spoon and an early 90s book on cool cuts,” West said in a statement that was written in crayons.

An MTV spokeswoman said the move was “vintage, mindless Kanye.”

“He got away with being mindless for some time, but now it’s pretty obvious he doesn’t think before he does anything–speak, attempt to sing, coordinate his outfits, get haircuts,” said the spokeswoman. “Pretty much now, everything he does, people are saying ‘Kanye’s lost his mind.’ His secret is out, and it isn’t pretty.”

© 2009 The Peoples News

TPN’s Trifling Person of the Week

Obama Health Care HecklingJoe Wilson

Some weeks it’s really hard to find a trifling person. Other times, like this week, it’s so easy that I don’t really feel like I’m earning my keep.

Remember when Bill Clinton had to explain Monica Lewinsky? Or when George W. Bush was giving his explanations for running the country into the ground? Or Ronald Reagan was red-faced about Iran-Contra?  Those were tough times, and those presidents faced angry foes. But Congress, whether Republicans or Democrats, conducted itself in session with respect for the office. Joe Wilson, despite what you told Sean Hannity, there is no double standard for decorum. Both parties have practiced when the President is speaking. So what the hell is the problem with your trifling ass?

–Xavier Muhammad

© 2009 The Peoples News

Congress Approves “No Snitching” Law

By Bill Matthews

stop_snitchingPolice show T-Shirts many Representatives wore before the historic vote

(WASHINGTON D.C.) Fresh from their summer break, Congress took up its most pressing issue, the matter of lawmakers being busted for sexual infidelities.

As a result, both houses unanimously passed the No Snitching Act, which makes it illegal for anyone to rat on a lawmaker’s sexual liaisons.

“This legislation is very important to all Americans because it will stop m—-f—–s from snitching on us,” Sen. David Vitter of Louisiana told The Peoples News. “Now we can just focus on our jobs, and if it takes the laws of the streets to make that happen, then so be it.”

Vitter then twisted his fingers into a series of geometric shapes while yelling ‘South Side!’

Legislators face an array of pressing issues: health care, budget appropriations, climate change, two wars, Whitney Houston’s comeback, and a financial regulation overhaul.

But after a spate of affairs, visits to prostitutes and secret out of the country trips to visit soul mates came to public light in the last year, lawmakers felt keeping their sexual indiscretions a secret took top priority.

They tried to make the law retroactive, but the time machine they commissioned last spring is still not operational. Former senator Larry Craig, who was arrested for soliciting sex in a bathroom in 2007, was particularly distressed by that failure.

“No snitching” has long been the urban version of the mafia’s omerta, meaning don’t cooperate with the police.

“Congress approving this measure isn’t really a surprise,” said Glynis Carver, author of the children’s book, The Little Boy Who Snitched and Was Later Found Headless in a Dumpster. “No one is more hood than Congress.”

Vitter introduced the measure, which was endorsed by a lobbying group led by former Sen. John Edwards and Rep. Mark Foley.

“It’s tough enough just having an affair, especially when you’re in the public eye or, say, the black book of a D.C. madam,” said Vitter. “If we wanted our wives or the public to know about our extramarital romps we would tell them. Geez!”

Anyone found guilty of snitching faces a fine of up to $1 million or having a cap busted in they ass.

Individual states closely monitored the vote as many local politicians hope to get similar laws passed.

“I really wish we had something like this,” said South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford. “And a bunch of my colleagues around the country soon will too.

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. Thanks to reader Peter Ortiz for the suggestion.

© 2009 The Peoples News